Boundaries

Welcome to Part 4 of Lost in Love, a collection of reflections on connection, trust, boundaries, and the relationships that matter most.

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Pop psychology has, in some ways, diluted what boundaries actually are. It simplifies them in ways that aren’t actually helpful. It often frames the concept as cutting people off or avoiding anything that feels uncomfortable. That can sound empowering, but it misses the point.

Self preservation

Boundaries are, at their core, about self-preservation. They exist to protect you, your emotional world, and your vulnerability. Before anything else, they are about keeping your inner life safe enough to function and engage with the world. This is not a simple or instinctive process. It requires you to pay attention, assess what is happening, and respond in a way that protects you appropriately in real time.

Your emotional immune system

Your physical immune system is constantly working in the background. It identifies what belongs in the body and what doesn’t, and works to protect you from harm. It detects threats like viruses and bacteria, responds to them, and learns from those encounters so it can respond more effectively in the future.

When something unfamiliar enters the body, it doesn’t always get it right the first time. You might get sick. But in the process, your body builds antibodies and becomes better equipped and adjusts responses for the next time.

Sometimes it overreacts, like in autoimmune conditions, where it starts attacking things that aren’t actually dangerous. Sometimes it underreacts, and real threats slip through.

Overall, it is a system designed to strengthen through exposure, to become more precise, efficient and resilient over time. It doesn’t shut the body off from the world to stay safe, it learns how to engage with it more intelligently.

Imagine if our relational systems worked like that automatically, learning who is safe, who isn’t, how much to open, how much to protect, adjusting in real time without us having to consciously figure it out. Boundaries, in many ways, are us trying to build that system consciously. They are your emotional immune system.

Guard what is precious

Self protection is directly linked to how much you value yourself.

When something holds little value, we treat it like clutter in a house. We’re happy for anyone to take it, use it, or discard it without much thought. When something holds real value, everything changes. Think about your family, your children or your pets. You would protect them with your life. The more valuable something is, the more instinctively and fiercely we guard it.

Boundaries begin here: in recognising that you are something worth protecting.

Boundaries are self-honouring. Every time you use a boundary, you send yourself the message that you matter. You are worth protecting. Without boundaries, a quiet sense of self-betrayal settles in. Over time, your self worth drops. Noticing our struggles with boundaries and choosing to upskill is equally self-honouring.

You become your own activist because you know you are worth fighting for.

The cell membrane

Think about boundaries as the membrane of a cell.

A cell membrane is a ‘selectively permeable’ membrane. This membrane is firm enough to keep everything needed inside. For example, cells will allow oxygen and water to diffuse through the membrane. Water and oxygen are life-sustaining and provide support for cells to function. But cells will refuse entry to particles that cause harm. When the damage levels reach a critical point, the cell decides to initiate programmed cell death.

Boundaries work in the same way. Ideally, we allow safe people in that offer love and support. We should refuse entry to damaging abuse. If our membranes are always closed, we can become lonely, unfulfilled and emotionally malnourished. It reinforces beliefs that people are unsafe by default. If our membranes are always open, anything life-sustaining or life-destroying can enter at will. We lose control of our inner environment. We end up being taken advantage of, overextended or abused.

Cells are continuously self-monitoring and regulating needs. Cells allow more of particles they need, while rejecting entry to unnecessary particles. Boundaries require similar ongoing adjustments. When any person or interaction shows up in front of us, we decide what to let in or what to keep out based on what we need at any given time.

The key is that your response is based on what is actually happening in reality, not what you hoped would happen.

With credit to my wonderful friend, Dr Caron Styles, for her helpful medical input.

You Can’t Boundary Someone Else

Most people think boundaries are about expressing discomfort.

We tell someone what not to do, or make statements like “don’t treat me like that”. We say this thinking we’ve set a boundary, but we haven’t. This is actually a request. It relies on the other person changing and complying to our request. We have no control of what other people do, even our loved ones.

We might even say something stronger, such as “if you do that again, I’ll leave”. This is a warning. The choice is still up to them.

Most people think they’re setting boundaries here. They’re not. We keep trying with repeated requests and warnings. We explain more, soften it, repeat ourselves, hope they’ll finally get it. Not because we don’t know what we need, but because we don’t want to follow through. Following through will cost us dearly.

A simple rule: if it depends on someone else, it’s a request. If it depends on you, it’s a boundary. A boundary is the action: what you do, what you allow, and where you choose to be.

You can think of this process as volume control. You move from a gentle request, to a firm warning and finally an action or consequence. The boundary is that last step.

You take responsibility for yourself alone and stop trying to control everyone else.

This is why they feel so hard: you can’t outsource them.

Preserving connection

At first glance, boundaries look like they’re just about protecting you. And they are. But if that’s all they were, most relationships wouldn’t survive them. Boundaries don’t end relationships, they maintain them.

If you don’t care about a relationship, you usually don’t bother with a boundary at all. You just disengage. If a shop doesn’t have what you want, you don’t negotiate with the manager, you just go somewhere else. Boundaries only show up when the relationship matters. They say: you matter enough to me that I want to stay and work this out. Tthe same time, they say: I matter enough to advocate for myself clearly. That’s what boundaries are doing. Not pushing people away, but making it possible to stay while keeping both people intact. Without boundaries, there is nothing protecting the relationship from slowly falling apart.

Pay attention

If boundaries feel difficult, inconsistent or uncomfortable, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Most of us were never explicitly taught how to recognise our needs, trust our reactions or advocate for ourselves effectively.

Pay attention to what bothers you. Notice where resentment, exhaustion, anxiety or hurt keep showing up. Those feelings are often pointing towards something important. They are invitations to become curious about what you need and how you might protect it.

Like any skill, boundaries can be learned. Sometimes we learn through experience. Sometimes we need support. Therapy can be a valuable space to explore the patterns that keep showing up in your relationships and to develop the confidence and skills needed to respond differently.

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A last note

This article is intentionally very simplified. Entire books have been written about boundaries, attachment, trauma and relational safety. The aim here is not to cover every nuance, but to introduce the core principles that make healthy boundaries possible.

Click here for part 5 in the series.